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By Rhona Raskin
From UnderWire
“Most people receive very little
training on how to live effectively and harmoniously with themselves and
others. Without proper training on how to make wise choices in one’s
life, the chances are very slim anyone will make them.” — Sidney
Madwed
The incentive to know a certain type of guy has not changed in thousands
of years. But when was the last time you were tested on the factors
affecting happiness and contentment in life? Who pointed out to you that
your bad choice of lovers can be traced to influential people early in
your life? I bet it was your therapist. Perhaps we should all study
predictable human dynamics so that we can lose that “Oh I can’t
believe it happened” look before there are three kids and two lawyers
involved.
It amazes me that we don’t teach children what makes relationships
tick. In school, we bend to pages filled with challenging equations
about speeding trains on steep inclines. Maybe this teaches us how to
think and reason, but I’ve never been terribly grateful for my
understanding of vectors and trajectories. Square roots, anyone? Not
until college is psychology offered, and even then we study things like
an orphan duck’s predisposition to imprint on a gangly giraffe and
follow it around in the belief that it is Mommy. How practical.
Why not talk about human relationships? Why not tell it like it is in
kindergarten? As in: “The reason we like to be with friends and family
is that humans are social and like to feel accepted and secure.
Sometimes, because we like to be in a group, we pick silly reasons to be
with people, even when they don’t treat us well.”
What is our fear about dishing the goods a little earlier in life, when
we could really use the input? Are adults are afraid of being one-upped?
Do we worry that a child who understands attachments and feelings will
be more difficult to control? Ah-ha. Maybe he will be smarter than his
parents. Perhaps she will see the truth in her parents’ shaky
marriage.
The capitals of several African and Eastern European countries have
changed so often in the last 15 years that scoring 10-out-of-10 on a pop
quiz has little long-term value. The best educational plan I can think
of is to expose children to the well-kept secrets of what makes us tick
— the domain usually reserved for professionals like psychiatrists,
psychologists and counselors. As a therapist, I believe my business is
to work myself out of a job — to get fired. The best way to do that is
to pass on what I know about the human animal. Penguins do this cute
little drop-the-stone ritual and then mate for life. Unfortunately,
humans often pick unrealistic partners and then later experience a
mountain of pain and puzzlement. They are more likely to throw stones
than to cherish them, penguin-style.
No one explains to us how straight A’s will make us better at picking
partners. (Oh yes, I forgot — rich equals happy.) Money is the sauce
that makes every dish taste magnificent. (Tell that to the couple
engaged in battle royals over their assets in court.) Or examine the
lonely CEO who has lost touch with his family, sitting next to a laptop
and a stack of industry journals. Remember that the computer not only
gives us new and faster ways to connect, but also a bigger pool of
people to be estranged from and dumped by.
So let’s teach children the elements of attraction and connection.
Quick quiz: Which of these thoughts best expresses love?
A. When I am in the presence of this
person, I really like who I am.
B. He’s really hot and he has a new
convertible.
Let’s expose the dusty, predictable principles that move us — the
desire to belong, the wish to feel secure, the desire to be admired, the
longing to feel warmth. Then let’s pinpoint the pitfalls on the map of
relationships: lack of self-esteem, shortage of encouragement and
scarcity of knowledge. Let’s say, “OK, class, today we are going to
look at the concept of 'belonging' and how we all want to feel it.”
First, let’s examine some dubious techniques:
- Picking on another person to score points with a group you want to
join.
- Pretending to be something you aren’t, such as brave or reckless
or a direct descendant of Martin Luther King Jr.
- Bribery — like inviting kids you don’t really like to your
party so the others will come.
Childhood is a maze with no markers. Kids are often hostages of the
adults in their lives — their parents and teachers. When they are
little and we have their attention, let’s jam some Life 101 material
in, alongside the predicates and pronouns.
Here’s a thought: Add a problem to the math exam that asks you to plot
the next three menstrual periods of Girl A, including days of ovulation,
and compare the data to Girl B. Girl A’s cycle is 26 days long and
Girl B’s cycle is 32. On what days can A or B conceive? Now there’s
math with sass, and useable too: Most grown women have only a vague and
inaccurate sense of the answer to this problem, and half of all babies
are unplanned.
As novelist Tom Robbins says, "If little else, the brain is an
educational toy." Education as a game instead of a punishment —
great concept.
There is a wonderful story of a nun who taught a difficult class of
kids. One day she asked them all to stop, make a list of all the kids in
the class, and then to write down one thing special or likeable about
each kid. She then transcribed the anonymous notes and handed each
student a sealed list of what was said about him or her.
Years later, meeting at a funeral, many of those people still owned that
list of compliments — folded in wallets, tucked into drawers. In a
good system, all children would have a list of what others appreciated
about them, however tiny the comments. Children are critiqued and
graded, but rarely elevated to any status of recognition for kindness,
generosity, overcoming all odds or just being a quality human. There are
academic stars and athletic heroes, but there are other stars, too.
Let’s recognize those qualities and those skills that make healthy,
well-balanced relationships in life.
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