Surviving his affair

Ask Dr. Joy

By Dr. Joy Davidson
From UnderWire

Q: After 15 years of marriage my husband had a brief affair. We have worked through many issues over the past year and have become closer than ever before. I know my husband loves me and has proven in more ways than I can count that he is committed to the family. But this experience has changed my life forever. 

I feel very discouraged about marriage — almost as if my fairy-tale ideas have been destroyed. I am filled with self-doubt and am having difficulty getting my confidence back. I question if an affair could happen again. I wonder who she was — is she the woman standing beside me in the grocery store? What can I do with all these feelings?
A: In most of our lives there comes a moment when we realize that Prince Charming's armor is cracked, our romantic notions are myths, and that intimacy, like a storybook dragon, can expel a scorching breath. The choices we make in these revelatory instants do change us forever — but in some cases the change is, oddly enough, for the better. 

It sounds like you and your husband have weathered a difficult passage with courage and determination. Your renewed closeness is a result of your grownup, reality-based willingness to work together on your marriage. You would not feel this deep bond in a relationship of fairy-tale fragility. You and your husband have achieved something great in surmounting the obstacle of this affair. 

Your immediate challenge is to keep your disappointment in "real life" from distorting your outlook. By reanimating the other woman in your own mind you risk developing a dangerous obsession. Even if you knew who she was, the knowledge wouldn't satisfy you. Next you'd want to know what attracted him, how she pleased him in bed, how she spoke. The possibilities are as endless as your imagination and equally toxic to your marriage. 

Jot down your thoughts in a journal, which will not only be a place to put your feelings, but also a way of tracking their progression over time. In your diary you'll see yourself (and your marriage) move forward and evolve. Then, as your life becomes more grounded in the present, many fears about the future will fade. 

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