Let’s expose the dusty, predictable principles that move us — the desire to belong, the wish to feel secure, the desire to be admired, the longing to feel warmth. Then let’s pinpoint the pitfalls on the map of relationships: lack of self-esteem, shortage of encouragement and scarcity of knowledge. Let’s say, “OK, class, today we are going to look at the concept of 'belonging' and how we all want to feel it.” 

First, let’s examine some dubious techniques: 

• Picking on another person to score points with a group you want to join. 
  
  
• Pretending to be something you aren’t, such as brave or reckless or a direct descendant of Martin Luther King Jr. 
  
  
• Bribery — like inviting kids you don’t really like to your party so the others will come. 
  

Childhood is a maze with no markers. Kids are often hostages of the adults in their lives — their parents and teachers. When they are little and we have their attention, let’s jam some Life 101 material in, alongside the predicates and pronouns. 

Here’s a thought: Add a problem to the math exam that asks you to plot the next three menstrual periods of Girl A, including days of ovulation, and compare the data to Girl B. Girl A’s cycle is 26 days long and Girl B’s cycle is 32. On what days can A or B conceive? Now there’s math with sass, and useable too: Most grown women have only a vague and inaccurate sense of the answer to this problem, and half of all babies are unplanned. 

As novelist Tom Robbins says, "If little else, the brain is an educational toy." Education as a game instead of a punishment — great concept. 

There is a wonderful story of a nun who taught a difficult class of kids. One day she asked them all to stop, make a list of all the kids in the class, and then to write down one thing special or likeable about each kid. She then transcribed the anonymous notes and handed each student a sealed list of what was said about him or her. 

Years later, meeting at a funeral, many of those people still owned that list of compliments — folded in wallets, tucked into drawers. In a good system, all children would have a list of what others appreciated about them, however tiny the comments. Children are critiqued and graded, but rarely elevated to any status of recognition for kindness, generosity, overcoming all odds or just being a quality human. There are academic stars and athletic heroes, but there are other stars, too. Let’s recognize those qualities and those skills that make healthy, well-balanced relationships in life.